What a guy…

Author/satirist John Boston is the recipient of The Will Rogers Lifetime Humanitarian Achievement Award for his community work and newspaper career. One of America’s most decorated journalists, he (Boston, not Will Rogers) has earned 119 major national, regional and state awards for journalism excellence from a variety of organizations, from Scripps Howard to Associated Press. Although he wrote less than a dozen newspaper essays in 2009, Boston was named “Best Humor Columnist” in North America by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.

Again.

He has been named both the top serious and top humorous columnist in the country, several times. With but three factual errors, his then-competition, The Los Angeles Times, once devoted two full pages including the front of their Sunday Lifestyle section to Boston’s life and work.

Boston enjoys horseback riding, fencing (the sword kind, not so much the repair of barbed wire in the cold yucky unforgiving deadly rattlesnake-lurking mud kind), weight lifting, impromptu road trips, selected outdoor stuff especially involving not being chased by bears, traipsing across the wide expanses of Republican Wetlands (golf courses), having his paperwork all nicely in order, world peace, hot tea, walks on the beach, Coca-cola and certainly not that swill Pepsi and carpentry. Not that he always participates in the previous. There are days he just enjoys the concept of carpentry. Because this is the Internet and no one checks, he was previously a Soviet nuclear submarine commander and invented petroleum and is called, in a deep bass, echoing voice: “The Father of Modern Plastic,” but not so much to his face. In a previous life, he was Mohandas Gandhi’s closest advisor, but was wrongly terminated when he suggested: 1) that the “diaper thing is getting to be a little pretentious…” and, B) “Why don’t you just HIT somebody. You’ll feel better.” TURNOFFS: cabbage; cable pundits who sport that annoying mall rat sneer; terrorists; texting; and, of course, cabbage and people who eat cabbage and especially terrorists who eat cabbage while texting.

Dwarfs & Movie Stars…

Mostly, Boston enjoys being with his daughter, Mrs. Congopants. Mrs. Congopants is 7-and-2/3rds. They are currently perfecting a living room impromptu theatre version of “7 Brides for 7 Brothers,” except with dwarfs and pirates, whom, the author points out, “are both mighty hard to come by these days.” Boston is a former NBC news director, movie star manager, ranch hand, newspaper editor, assistant chef for yes — THAT —certain painfully shy dearly departed eee-hee pop singer who did facial surgery poorly; high school basketball coach; lecturer, advertising executive, and is the valley historian for the California community of Santa Clarita, CA, which he refuses to call, Santa Clarita, instead, referring to the condo monkey preserve as: “Santa Enchirito.”

“Half Santa Claus. Half his favorite entrée at Taco Bell,” read Boston’s attorney, from a prepared statement.

Seriously now…

Boston has taught local history of one of America’s most significant historical locales, the Santa Enchiri- … er, Santa Clarita Valley, for the past 18 years.

Santa Clarita boasts of one of the oldest and largest 4th of July parades in America. Since the 1930s, many stars and celebrities have served as Grand Marshall. Boston was named Grand Marshall for the 2008 parade. “I’ve yet to be paid,” said Boston.

He is one of America's most prolific writers.

Starting as a professional stringer at the age of 14, the California writer has penned more than 5,000 columns. Boston has penned an additional estimated 20,000 or more stories, features, articles and editorials. Briefly, he was editor of The Signal twice and help lead the staff to top honors in the Grand Sweepstakes for both best community newspaper in California and the United States. In February of 2009, he retired from the swashbuckling and eclectic Newhall Signal, formerly run by the famous San Francisco editor Scott Newhall. For years, Boston published seven columns (averaging 1,000 words per) a week for his ex-hometown newspaper, a small daily, The Signal, in Santa Clarita. Boston retains all rights to his thousands of columns and plans to re-issue many in a series of collected works.

He is author of the novel, “Naked Came the Sasquatch” which has a 5-star rating on Amazon.com.

‘Sasquatch’ was required reading at Harvard. “That would be the New England university,” said Boston. “Not the San Fernando Valley prep school where all the kids have undergone cosmetic surgery.” The sophomore English lit instructor, Dr. Rhonda Rockwell, likened Boston’s work to: “an amalgamation of Joseph Heller, Kurt Vonnegut, Rudyard Kipling and Edgar Rice Burroughs, without being any or all of them and maybe a little bit better. Blessedly, no one writes like him.” Boston will use the money he will receive from being Parade Grand Marshall to some day hunt Dr. Rockwell down and pay her kind words. Boston owns all rights to “Sasquatch” and plans to complete the sequel and ‘three-quel’ of the series.

Writing Projects...

• ADAM HENRY: is literary fiction adventure about making tough choices in our day-to-day lives. It also asks: “Can an executioner have a kind heart?” The hero is given an opportunity to rid the Earth of every acrimonious soul on Earth. Due to be completed by Fall of 2010.

• DAILY ENGLISH MUFFINS: The world’s most unique quote book, with a little deeper crannies than your basic Daily Bread. “English Muffins” not only offers insight and 365 actual method for solving just about any problem in these troubling times, but provides gee-whiz trivia on some of the most amazing souls who ever lived.

• HONEY. I NEVER SLEPT WITH SARAH PALIN — is a humorous and often touching tribute to women, combining award-winning essays with lists, trivia and amazing facts about women. Coming out in Autumn of 2010.

• THE HALCYON TIMES & RURAL AVENGER — is the four-generational epic about how an unlikely alliance of a retired serial killer, practical joking journalists and eco-terrorists take on a billionaire developer who has bought a Yosemite-like national park and is planning to turn it into the world's largest yuppie concentration camp planned suburban community. It is also about how each generation of editor spends his life trying to convince people with each failing miserably. And, it’s funny. Should be ready by Summer of 2011.

• WRITING POORLY — Boston is just starting this who-dunnit adventure comedy about a support group of unpublished and truly bad writers. Set in the California high mountain wasteland and surrounded by rehab and detox centers, someone is killing off the bad writers one by one. Due out by Spring of 2012.

• BOSTON WEB BOOKS — “Lesbians 13, Chimpanzees 7” is the first in a series in a collection of award-winning essays, facts, trivia, lists and statistics about two topics which have nothing to do with one another: The Love That Knows No Name and Monkeys. It’s here. Visit Boston’s Book Store and buy it.

• THE HISTORY OF THE SANTA CLARITA VALLEY — Published by Arcadia in 2009, it’s part of the company’s Images of America series.

• AND — You’ve probably already heard of Boston’s new, revamped web page — thebostonreport.com and thebostonreport.net — because, duh, you’re reading it right now. The new Boston Report now carries a variety of blogs, from his personal commentary in The John Boston Report to a growing and well-stocked bookstore. He is currently close to launching The Santa Clarita Encyclopedia & Almanac, an epic information site on a community that Boston touts as, “inarguably the navel of the universe.”

Boston Goes Multimedia...

Boston is currently on vacation from KHTS, AM-1220, but you can catch podcasts of his radio show, “The Former Friends of John Boston” on hometownstation.com. If you have some morbid curiosity what Boston looks like two-dimensional and moving, you can check out a variety of his TV shows on SCVTV.com, or, you can revisit the Home Page and click on Cable Access Celebrity Stare Contest.

Scared o’ Bears Ranch II

After moving from his Scared o’ Bears Ranch in tony Iron Canyon, California in the summer of 2010, John Boston lives on the Alliklik Indian Reservation. He is currently in search of a construction site for his brand new home and business: Rancho Miedo de los Osos de los Autenticidad — Segunda Parte. Or, in English: The Authentic Scared o’ Bears Ranch — Part II.